Week 1: Sin Inc.

21 Nov

(Note: this was written as a separate assignment, but I could not gather inspiration for something regarding this Monday’s theme; I decided to post this so that at least I have something for today 🙂 )

“Greed never was the most popular of the Seven Sins. He was actually considered even more annoying than Gluttony, who would constantly eat everything from the office fridge. Lust was usually found to be quite ravishing, especially since she refused to wear the proper formal attire, and opted instead for garments which could be described as leaving little to the imagination. Sloth just didn’t give a damn about anyone else, and the others would generally avoid him, but hey, you could always count on him in a poker game to always lose, due to lack of interest.

Wrath always came into the office smelling of gunpowder and death, but hey, at least it wasn’t the stench of angel dust, right? Envy and Pride were too busy fighting over which one was better to actually prove an annoyance to anyone else, but Greed just couldn’t help but exacerbate all those present.

He would occasionally steal not just office supplies, but also souls, from the other Sins; except Wrath’s. Nobody messed with Wrath and afterlived.”

“Then why do I have to be Greed?” I asked.

“Well,” Mephisto replied, “you see, there isn’t any other opening for doomed souls in any of the other high positions – all the other Sins are taken. And I’m sure that a man in your… former line of work.”

“Hmm… But what if this is not what I want to spend my Afterlife doing?”

“Oh, I didn’t know you had such feelings, mr. Biggins. Well, I’m sure we could find a nice and cosy cauldron that would fit your large berth…”

“Hey-hey-hey, now wait a minute there, kind Sir, maybe we can work something out… Y-y-you see, I was actually going to ask… Erhm, what are my duties?”

“Hehehe… That’s more like it, a perfect fit for the job, I see… You will try and lead people on Earth towards a life of greed – of valuing material possessions above all else, they should abandon all their loved ones, all their hopes and dreams and focus on attaining just two things: money and power. In short, they must become you, my podgy friend.”

The nerve of that demon! He might’ve been a horned nightmarish apparition, but damn it to all hell, I’d been a respected businessman in my time on Earth!

“Don’t dawdle, Biggins, I have much to show you!”

“Right, Sir!”

He took me for a walk across a gantry above theEighth Circleof Hell, and as we surveyed the various punishments I might’ve taken part in, Mephisto continued with his presentation:

“You see, we don’t aim to beat God or anything. At first, it was like that, our Dark Lord was young and wanted to prove a point. Unfortunately for him, the Bearded One had a plan, as he always does, even for Lucifer. By the way, don’t call him Luci. He hates that. With a passion.”

“Uh-huh,” I uh-hued.

“The point is that there is no light without dark, there is no white without black, so you see, Biggins, that, theoretically and metaphysically, God could not keep on going with this crazy afterlifestyle of simply existing without his logical counter-part. Enter Satan, who’s job is to permanently antagonise the big man upstairs. And while he loathes the prospect of playing to the tune of his former employer, at least it’s fun for all involved.”

“…what does this have to do with-”

“Biggins! Don’t interrupt!”

“S-s-sorry, Sir.”

“Right. As I was saying, this is where the Sins come in. You fine lads (and lass) make sure people are wicked, there can’t always be goody-two-shoes in the world, right?”

“Yessir.”

“Heaven and Hell is a game of small percentages, Biggins. We can never hope to tip the scale in our favour too much or yes, even we, would cease to exist, along with God. We’d love to stick it to the man, but we revel too much in our present decadent ways. As such, we don’t expect you to do a terrific job, just enough of a good job to give us an extra 0.1%, that’s all we ask, so that the Dark One can shove it in the Bearded One’s face and laugh.”

“I understand,” I replied. “Will I ever get out of here?”

“Ohhh, Biggins, damn, damn, damn, you are a clever one aren’t you? So, people of questionable morals die and their souls come to us, and we assign them to their respective sin and yes, indeed, there is a catch God put on our free labour. You see, he has the strange impression that when people see the suffering their actions bring in others, then they’ll want to repent and commit their souls to Heaven and Good Works. Or, if they enjoy bringing suffering, then they stay with us, we offer them a contract, and an afterlife of pleasures.”

“That sounds a lot like Purgatory, where is it, by the way?”

“Oh, that. Well, a novel idea at first, but do you have any idea how annoying babies’ cries can get?”

“… Alright…”

“Right, and here we are! This will be your office. Take a few moments to get accustomed to it and then get to work, you filthy maggot! Have a nice day!”

As the demon left, I only then just noticed that he was wearing a rather sharp suit and some really spiffy shoes.

I glanced around the room. An ordinary office desk, office chair, office stapler, office paper, office lamp, office wallpaper… An environment I was accustomed to. I looked at the glass door and noticed the writing on it:

“Henry Biggins. Professional Greedy Bastard. Sin Incorporated. Hell.”

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